Hitchhiker's Guide To The Road
by Tommy Kirchhoff

Like the hooked worm that a fish can't resist, so be the thumb like hitchhiking bait.

Before I moved out West, a girl told me she had just gone for a vacation. She said, "Everybody hitchhikes." I was in shock. That's just not what you do in Michigan.

Then on my fourth day out here, I needed to get somewhere, but I didn't have a car. It was like being four years old, sitting on the end of the dock for the first time. A little bait- a lot of ignorance.

Like fishing, a thousand philosophies ebb through your mind. "Do I wiggle it? Maybe I should keep it moving around... Hope I get a good one."

It's relaxing. You're by yourself, dealing with nature, having to pee... And then my first bite. A LandRoverfish. Two ultra-nice ladies with an appetite to powershop were on their way to Durango, and the red-rover pulled over to pick me up.

They weren't even going my way. They dropped me right at the front door. On the ride, we had lots of laughs (pre-shopping endorphine rush) and then the driver offered me a place to live! That's like Davy Crockett fishing in a stream, and catching the golden three-wish fish.

Well, because the West is wide open and full of fish, I never saw her again— and hence went hungry (so to speak).

Three months of living a without a car taught me some things about hitchhiking.

1. Fishing holes - transit is most easily come by at intersections. At rush hours, they're a bustling feeding frenzy of execufish in spacious vehicles.

2. Carp - If you're hungry enough, you'll take the bus. It'll get you there in twice the time, and getting dropped off at inconvenient spots can leave a bad taste in your mouth. But! Riding the bus is a sure thing. Hitchhiking is not a sure thing. Therefore,

3. Going hungry - Sometimes when you catch a ride, the fish you hook may just throw you back. Get dropped off in a deserted area, and the rivers may run dry. I've stood out there so long even the carp weren't biting.

But fishing and hitchhiking experience isn't enough. There are unforetold philosophies and oracles that accompany both. These lifestyles are saturated with dualistic thoughts and anticipated climaxes that lead to whatever the antonym of "enlightenment" is. Absolute Vertigo?

To simplify - something that's worked before - that doesn't always work. On some days, no matter what you do, you won't catch one.

You can have fish-finders, briefcases, bait scent or a six-pack; you can match the hatch, lay in the road, troll for miles, or smile like Gene Kelly, and still not catch a damned thing.

It all boils down to two basic elements: persistence - and you need to know how to hold your mouth right.