by Tommy Kirchhoff
Welcome to the Business School of Fish. Life under the sea is tough- but we're going to show you how to survive.
Like your grandpa always said, "Ya gotta eat." At the Business School of Fish, we will show you what to eat, what not to eat, and how to keep from being eaten. The food chain is your only business. (But we also have one of the best swim teams around.)
A sample curriculum could include:
Feeding 101 - A fish is killed by its open mouth. Don't ever forget that.
Run and Hide 122 - A vital key to surviving. The syllabus will include finer points of sprinting, camouflage, and hiding behind rocks. An "A" earned for every day you survive.
Invertebrates 260 - They look inviting - but watch out. Sea urchins seem like a good eating, but you'll find out they can be REAL PRICKS.
Lawyers 312 - An advanced class. After completing prerequisites Mean 280, Don't Move 299 and Watch Your Ass 300, you'll learn all about Sharks. It's not to say they're bad. Sometimes when the sharks feed, everybody eats well (except you-know-who). Lots of kibbles and bits for everyone! Some meat even settles to the bottom for the eels and crabs, and Realtors and stuff.
Food Chain Theory 400 - Philosophical debates on "Only dead fish swim with the current," and "Fish heads from the paper cutter." Syllabus is mostly comprised of theoretical guts that wouldn't make a difference with a sea lion chasing you.
All business students are required to do extensive field work around large predators. You'll get a real feel for teeth on your ass with daily attacks by little Red Snappers and even the benevolent dolphin.
After all, it may not matter how big or fast you are. Everything out there is hungry, mean and plays dirty. Barracuda may stare silently, maybe even ignore you. But they turn fast.
The food chain can change directions at any time. Even little appetizers can turn around and decide they're tired of being picked on. Little fish hire sharks to beat somebody up; Hard Knock schools of piranha gang up and rip things apart. Life feeds on life - but it's just business.
This holiday season, Merry Christmas from "All the Fish in the Sea."